I have been perusing this website for months now in utter fascination. Loveawake has given me both a name for my desires and a place to read the eloquent insights of like-minded people. It's amazing how things come to you at just the right time... Throughout my life, I've always been attracted to ‘strong’ men, or what I perceived as strong. As a young woman, I was fooled by the illusions of strength (muscles and arrogance) and found myself drawn to men whom I thought were right, but weren't. I had always been drawn to online dating , but I now realize that this was just a small stop on my way to the truth. I now know that I don't want the illusion of power, or power confined to the bedroom, but rather the real thing, 24/7. But my journey to understanding the visceral power of true masculine dominance was a bumpy one.

In my teens and 20's I dated either the aloof bad boy type (mistaking his apparent toughness for strength) or the muscular weightlifter type (mistaking their physical prowess for internal strength). In both cases, it soon came to light that these men weren't in fact strong at all, but had developed a tough outer layer to hide an inherent weakness. This always showed itself soon enough and left me feeling emotionally flat and sexually cold. The culmination of these relationships was my marriage to my now ex husband – a physically huge, muscular man with an outgoing, confrontational nature. What I soon came to realize, unfortunately, was that this was a façade to hide a very weak and insecure man who had been waiting for a strong woman to replace his mother and take care of him. Due to his inherent weakness and emotional fragility, I found myself taking charge of every aspect of the home, marriage, and business. Everything caused him stress so I often took care of things to avoid a scene. This left me emotionally resentful, spiritually hollow, and sexually cold. Year by year I gradually lost all respect and admiration for my husband who went merrily along his way enjoying the ease of life my emotional strength and control afforded him. I fell into a deep depression and wondered what had happened to our marriage. How did I marry such a narcissistic baby? How could I have so misjudged my needs and desires? I finally ended our marriage feeling emotionally drained, taken advantage of, and sexually dead.

What brought me back to life was a combination of things. First was the realization that, although I am a very strong and capable woman, I actually need a man who exceeds me in both intelligence and emotional strength, who is able to take care of me and be as eager to meet my needs as I am to meet his. It was not the physical trappings of strength I was looking for, but rather the commanding presence and quiet confidence I've read about so often on the Loveawake website. All this became crystallized for me as I became involved with a man who is undoubtedly the love of my life. He was a friend for many years and I had always admired his ability to be both dignified and commanding at the same time. I always felt an intense spark of vitality around this man. He made me feel more alive and aware of all my senses, just by his presence. What I came to understand was that his quiet and controlled internal strength and masculine presence made me feel ultra feminine. This was a revelation to me and sent me on a journey to reconnect with my more feminine and submissive side. The masculine/feminine contrast between us creates a dynamic that is intensely hot and impossible to resist. The results are astounding and are not confined to the bedroom. I find it, at the same time, unbelievably exciting and incredibly relaxing to finally relinquish control to a man.

While we do enjoy a playful or erotic spanking, and immediately realize the larger sense of control that it signifies, we do not engage in discipline spanking. I do understand how this may be deeply comforting for some, but for us, the same sense of peace can be reached by me curling up on his lap while he strokes my hair. Or by constantly taking my hand in public. Or by ordering for me in a restaurant. Or by simply whispering, “That's a good girl” Yum. Personally, I find the dispute over whether discipline need be involved in a relationship to be superfluous. Each person's control triggers are so different.

My love is a profoundly thoughtful and caring man who understands me and never makes a decision without my needs in mind. He is firm without ever being defensive or losing his temper. He is dominant without ever being domineering. I believe that this is the key to a relationship and why many people can't understand the dynamic – because it's rare to find such a selfless man who lives to please you, yet is still a strong dominant figure. He's a man whose ego gratification doesn't depend on being a domineering bully. It takes immense strength of character to be this type of man. I find it so sad when people write in to the website to say that they would never let a man make decisions for them or that they don't understand the white-hot connection involved in this type of relationship. What I know is that they have not found that rare type of man who brings them to life and makes them feel like a real woman.

I am constantly surprised by the intensity of my reaction to my love. When he opens doors, puts on my coat, makes sure I have money in my wallet, plans a vacation, or cooks me a beautiful dinner, I feel cherished and totally taken care of. This, in turn, makes me want to please him all the time and in every way. That I tell him, “I'm yours whenever you want me” is extremely erotic for us both. His mere presence makes me weak in the knees and constantly hot. But I know that this is rare. Women growing up today are so conditioned to believe that there should be no difference between the sexes, that we have almost become a gender-neutral society. I feel sorry that most people have to miss out on or simply don't understand the intense pleasure of high gender contrast relationships and extremely blessed to be living a dream come true. Most people, I'm sure do not feel so emotionally and sexually fulfilled. While I realize that this may not be necessary for everyone, I hope that Loveawake regulars understand that they are among the lucky few.

Those who are in a safe relationship, with all the happiness and sexual fulfillment that Lucy speaks about, are indeed fortunate. But I too feel fortunate. I feel fortunate that I know what is possible – that I know that marriage does not have to lose its spark and become what some couples call ‘comfortable’ – while their dull eyes and dead body language speak of stale boredom and disappointment. Some take the view that it is better to settle for a lifeless marriage than none at all, but give me life alone with the ever-present possibility of a joy-filled relationship ahead any day. We are all individuals, and we don't all respond to everything identically, despite how difficult that is to believe. That is why I am much more interested in the underlying psychological dynamics of relationships than I am in how those dynamics play out in particular actions and overt behavior.

Those who are in an online relationship, with all the happiness and sexual fulfillment that Lucy speaks about, are indeed fortunate. But I too feel fortunate. I feel fortunate that I know what is possible – that I know that marriage does not have to lose its spark and become what some couples call ‘comfortable’ – while their dull eyes and dead body language speak of stale boredom and disappointment. Some take the view that it is better to settle for a lifeless marriage than none at all, but give me life alone with the ever-present possibility of a joy-filled relationship ahead any day.